For Every Minute They Last, They Get Cash.

V chose guilty pleasures.

My guilty pleasure is that -- as much as I hate the people on the programs -- I will watch pretty much anything MTV puts on.
It would be easier to list the MTV programs I don't watch.
Yo Momma.
Laguna Beach.
The Hills.
And.... um.... that one where the best friend is monitoring the two dates via lie detectors?

I know it's wrong to like them, but I can't help it for some reason.
I love how painfully scripted these reality shows are.
I love the atrocious rhymes on Next that introduce each contestant, and the clearly fake character bios.
I love how even the guys who are supposed to be straight are pretty damn gay.
Oh! That reminds me of the first episode of Engaged and Underaged, which should have been called Oh My God, MTV, Help Me! I'm Clearly Engaged to a Gay Man.
Wordier, but more accurate.

Not many people seem to share my trashy weakness anymore. My mom's best friend, Miss Leigh, went to get her nails done and, when she came back, regaled us with Tales from The Beauty Salon television. She didn't know what she was describing, but I did.
Parental Control.
"People in California have too much time on their hands," Miss Leigh said. "They don't like who their kid's dating, so they pick someone else? Get a job."
I didn't say anything. I actually agree with Miss Leigh, and in fact, almost every show on MTV is shot and produced in California -- damn you, Reveille Studios -- and will make you long for the big earthquake to separate California from the mainland United States. And yet, I am mesmerized.

But really, I wouldn't expect Miss Leigh to understand. Whenever she happens upon a music station that is not CMT, she asks me if the singer's David Bowie. Sadly, no. It never is. So Miss Leigh is not very aware of what is on MTV or whether she should disdain it or not.
She is not the only one to scoff so at my weakness.
When I first met her, Linzy and I would talk about Road Rules and Real World and the Road Rules/Real World Challenges.
("I don't fucking wrestle; I fucking beat bitches up.")
I hung out at her apartment, and we watched an entire marathon.
And now, even Linzy has given up on the franchise.
"Oh my word! Linzy, there's a new Inferno starting."
"What are you talking about? What's that?"
Et tu, Linzy?

Even Television Without Pity, a website devoted to bad reality television, refuses to document the Real World or Road Rules anymore.

Other people pretend they don't know what I'm talking about when I reference something from the show.
I had roped Patryk into coming over for Bryan's housewarming party. We were all sitting around the pool while Bryan told a story about his dog needing surgery to flip some piece of bone behind an eye.
"So... Archie is like Danny from Real World Austin?" I said. Austin is one my least-favorite Real Worlds -- no gay people -- but it is fun to watch just for how stupid and creepy Wes is.
Patryk chuckled. "Oh my God," and then he said, "Fuck you, Will. How dare you trick me into revealing I know what you're talking about!"
He and Linzy are right to at least pretend they don't follow those shows anymore, and good for Miss Leigh for not even knowing of them.

All I can say by means of a flimsy defense is that I don't schedule my day around the shows. If I flip through the channels and see one on, I'll probably stop for a little bit. Still, I wish I had something with more dignity to confess like a secret collection of hobo figurines.